What NOT to do in Erik's Lair
by Luthien Saralonde
Summary: What I shall not do in Erik's lair...and mostly will end up doing anyway. Hope you like it!


What NOT to do in Erik's Lair

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**_DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't sue!_**

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1. I must not bring in any Phantom of the Opera related items...EVER.

2. I must never mention the C-word, on pain of death by punjab.

3. I must never beg for singing lessons.

4. I must never ask Erik what is in the lake.

5. I must never ask Erik if he skinny dips in the lake.

6. I must never touch and/or breathe near his organ; to do so would result in the most painful of deaths.

7. I must never dye my hair blonde and get blue-colored contacts.

8. I must never do any of the aforementioned at the same time.

9. I must never do any of the aforementioned period.

10. I must never attempt to seduce Erik, unless I want to be "shown" into his "mirrored room".

11. I must never complain about how crooked my nose is around Erik, no matter how true it is.

12. I must never ask if he ever considered getting a perm.

13. I must never suggest theme songs for Erik-especially not "Smoke, Smoke, Smoke Your Boat" from Senior Skip Day, or When You're Evil. No matter how fitting it is.

14. I must never enter Erik's bedroom. EVER.

15. I must never ask Erik for permission to enter his bedroom.

16. I must never sing anything from the 2004 movie, as it reminds him of Gerik.

17. I must never comment on how hot, shmexy, or otherwise sunburned and gorgeous Gerik looked.

18. I must never say anything good about Raoul.

19. I must never say anything about Raoul at all.

20. I must never ask him if I could try on his masks.

21. I must never try on his masks anyway.

22. I must never bring in anything mint flavored, unless I want it fall into Erik's possession.

23. I must never kill spiders, other multi-legged insects and/or arachnids, or things that go bump in the night.

24. I must never flip out at the sight of the aforementioned creepy crawlies.

25. I must never call them creepy crawlies in his presence.

26. I must never claim that I can sing better than everyone in the opera house. The results won't be pretty.

27. I must never buy him cologne.

28. I must never comment on his "curious scent".

29. I must never say anything about his obvious body image issues.

30. I must never tell him he looks like a walking bean pole.

31. I must not even think about bringing mirrors into his lair.

32. I must not use his Punjab Lasso as a toy, no matter how much I wish it.

33. I must not make him read Lord of the Rings. He does not like Legolas, or all the other pretty elves mentioned.

34. I must not force Erik to watch Lord of the Rings. He does not like it.

35. I must not use Ayesha as a dust rag...again.

36. I must not ask if I can try on his cloak.

37. I must not bring in anything pink. Or sparkly. Or anything with reflective surfaces.

38. I must not attempt to force food down his throat, unless I wish to die in my sleep that same night.

39. I will not mention anything about Legally Blonde, Elle Woods, how pink it was, or how they turned it into a musical. I shall die a horrible and painful death if I do.

40. I must never introduce him to voodoo dolls. To do so would be very bad...for the managers.

41. I must never mention anything ALW themed in his presence. Ever.

42. I must never hop around in rabbit ears, wiggle my nose, and ask him to "pet the wittle bunny."

43. I must never call him dude.

44. I must never tell him he needs to go outside more often.

45. I must never tell him he's so pale he's invisible.

46. I must never mention anything relating to Larry the Cable Guy. Or else.

47. I must never ever attempt to sing opera in front of Erik. The results would be disastrous.

48. I must never ask him if he could model a whipped cream bikini.

49. I must never model a whipped cream bikini for him.

50. I must never sneak into his coffin wearing the whipped cream bikini while he is there.

51. I must never say the words Emmy Rossum, Gerard Butler, and Patrick Wilson in his presence. Those are swear words, and my mouth shall be rinsed with hydrochloric acid.

52. I must never try to sing Charlotte Church in front of Erik.

53. I must never sing in front of Erik, unless he has given me instructions to do so.

54. I must never say I know more than he does on any subject. I don't.

55. I must never try to sneak anywhere in the opera house, unless I was suddenly not clumsy, tripping on air, or otherwise a klutz. I'd get caught.

56. I must never try to speak French. I can't.

57. I must never sing any of the songs I learned in choir. Erik does not care for Il Est Ne, O Holy Night, O Come All Ye Faithful, or anything else other than Hallelujah Chorus.

58. I must never tell him to gain weight.

59. I must never tell him to "chill out".

60. I must never fake snore. He doesn't like it.

61. I must never do anything on this list out of sheer boredom.

62. I must never do anything on this list because I wanted to see his reaction.

63. I must never do anything with his mask. Especially paint it pink and super glue shiny sequins all over it.

64. I must not play with or cut Erik's Christine doll's hair. Again.

65. I must not sing anything by Brittany Spears.

66. I must not blast Aerosmith from every available corner of his lair.

67. I must not tell him he's a stalker.

68. I must not comment on any similarities between him and Vlad Dracula. There are none, first of all, and second of all, I don't want to give him any ideas.

69. I must never get into a debate between Handel and Aerosmith with Erik. I shall lose, and he shall gloat. And then lock me in the torture chamber.

70. I must not write on the mirrors in the torture chamber with lipstick.

71. I must not use permanent marker instead.

72. I must not sing anything from The Sound of Music repetitively. This will cause him to lose any remaining shreds of his sanity.

73. I must not make him watch The Pink Panther with Steve Martin. He will not like it.

74. I must not make him reenact the sinking scene in Titanic with me, and force him to be Jack.

75. I must not allow that reenactment to take place on the lake, unless I want to be the one drowning.

76. I must not make any allusions between him and Snape.

77. I must not tell him he'd make a way better Voldemort.

78. I must never ask him what happened to Luke Skywalker, or if he could do that heavy breathing thing. He will not like it.

79. I must never buy him a Darth Vader mask instead.

80. I must never show him Eddie Izzard's The Death Star Canteen Lego version. He does not like Legos. Or Vader.

81. I must never show him Eddie Izzard's Dinosaurs and Jesus. He will not like the part about God's cousin Ted.

82. I must never run around screaming, "THE HOLY BIBLIE!"

83. I must never ask him if he dried his dishes in a rain forest.

84. I must never ask his soon-to-be victims if they want cake or death.

85. I must never say any Your momma jokes around Erik.

86. I must never ask him if this corset makes me look fat.

87. I must never ask him for assistance with putting on, or taking off, my corset. He will say no.

88. I must never ask him if he has a bum brain, and what it's for.

89. I must never ask him if he could help me find my Common Sense. It's lost forever.

90. I must never ask him if he's ever been covered in bees.

91. I must never make any other references to Eddie Izzard.

92. I must never invite Edward Cullen over to play baseball. Erik won't like it.

93. I must never mention Dr. Cullen. Even if he is drool worthy.

94. I must never ask him if he's seen my make-up anywhere. Chances are he hasn't.

95. I must never make any allusions between Inferi and his lake. He doesn't like Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

96. I must never enter his lair without permission.

97. I must never ask him for backstage passes, unless I want to vandalize Carlotta's dressing room.

98. I must never stage whisper to him while he is trying to sneak through a hallway. That's bad.

99. I must never leave anything feminine hanging around the House by the Lake, especially bras, unless I want to give him cardiac arrest.

100. I must never do the aforementioned on purpose, just to see his expression. The mask will be in the way, anyway.

101. I must never send him into an early grave. He'd find a way to come back and haunt me for the bad pun.

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Woo! The end! Please review! If anyone wants me to type more, I'll do it, just not sure how fast I'll get it up. Ideas would be great though. Just PM me. Thanks!

-MP(MidgetPhantom)


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